I have been experiencing so many situations where I have to convince myself that I am enough, the way that I am, for the people in my life. I am very comfortable being a Lone Wolf, the struggle is maintaining relationships with friends and/or coworkers. I have a very loving partner who understands me completely, who loves me unconditionally and who supports me without question. I am so grateful for him and our bond. I just struggle with being an individual within a group of people. I am an empath, and I am still learning to protect my energy while around people, especially within a group setting.
My most recent group outing was brutal for me. I try to connect to this amazing group of women but I feel like I fall short because I am not able to give them all of myself, within a group setting. Of course, they don't all understand what it's like for me out in public, and that is absolutely not their fault. I still don't know how to explain that I am automatically taking in all the sounds, conversations, emotions and anxieties that are happening around me. I am working through all that while trying to keep up with the conversations happening within the group and not knowing how to join a conversation that I cannot relate to. It is overwhelming. I am observing, processing and internalizing the side conversations or simply the things they're all sharing. It seems so effortless and easy for them to have fun and express themselves. So I am examining myself and wondering why it is such a struggle for me. I know a portion of it is a trauma response, another portion is that I am often misunderstood, that the way I express myself can be taken as me being "uninterested" when in reality I am just trying to find my way within this group conversation.
I am still experiencing triggers when feeling judged. Being told that I am not enthusiastic enough, I am not smiling enough, I am not trying hard enough, I am making the outing less fun because my discomfort is written all over my face... affects me deeply. I want to get to a point where that stuff doesn't matter, because I know they love me. It just makes me feel like I am never enough for certain people, in these situations. I know myself better than anyone so I am going to let go of the need to "be a team player" and take a break from these outings. Even though I really want to hang out with these people, maybe this just isn't the time. I work best in small groups or one on one. I am working on accepting that, although I do want to eventually be able to let loose and have fun out in public, in a group. That will be something I will mindfully work towards.
I try to focus on how far I've come, which is REALLY far - the progress I've made is something to be proud of. Two years ago I wasn't even able to drive outside of my city, go to the grocery store alone, answer a phone call (unless it was my mom or partner), open mail, ask for help... and now I am working outside of my city, making friends from all over the world, speaking my truth here and on a Podcast... I am very proud of myself.
After chatting with Julie (my soul sister and Soulful Mystics Podcast partner) she got this message and shared it with me: "Don't make yourself small for anyone. Be the awkward, funny, intelligent, beautiful little weirdo that you are. Don't hold back. Weird it out." And I really needed that. Maybe I am just not allowing my True Weird self out in these settings and I am suppressing myself. When I am chatting with people who are the same kind of Beautifully weird as I am, I CAN let loose and have fun, no matter who is around. I am different from most people in my physical world and I love that about myself, maybe it is time to be my true, authentic, weird self with everyone. I don't need to fit in with everyone, I just have to be myself and those who love it will gravitate towards me.
This one is for the people who feel like it is difficult to fit in, the lone wolves, and the "weirdos" Let that Beautiful Weirdo that you are, SHINE. <3
